Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Those of you that follow my page are aware that I’ve been absent for some time now. I’ve only recently acquired the means to write again. If you’re familiar with my ramblings, please forgive the jumbled thoughts and sentences below. I only want/NEED to get my story out. It’s been almost 10 years since I left, and I feel it’s necessary to stop harboring this hatred and regret that I keep trying to bury inside. There’s so much more detail that I could put into here, with much more prose and the like, but I can’t keep digging into the depths of memory. This pains me; the writing of this. It pains me to eviscerate my old wounds, bringing forth their screams of agony and betrayal. However, this has been sitting in my drafts for two years… It’s time I put an end to it.

I met a man when I was 17 years old, fell in love, and had two daughters. Although I should have seen the signs when the day we went to get our marriage license was 9/11/01. I dealt with years of mental and near physical abuse, feeling controlled and isolated at home. Following the birth of our second daughter, I endured a bout of postpartum depression. I slept most of the day, taking his word that he would watch the kids when he was home. I had no reason to believe that he wouldn’t care for them, and keep them safe. He was their father, after all. And the man that vowed to love and cherish me, until death do us part. I trusted him. I loved him. But it was soon to be revealed that he really didn’t love either of us.

Once, while riding down the interstate, I had my hand on the door handle of the car, seat belt unbuckled, readying myself to just jump out, praying that God would end my life. Just as the door clicked, my youngest called, “Mama?”. That struck me hard. They were both fast asleep in their car seats, in the back. It’s as though she knew when I needed to hear her voice. They needed me more than I realized, at the time. If I die, who will care for the girls? Where will they go? Who will raise my kids, when they were brought into this world by ME? He never wanted them. He had made sure that I knew that the day I found out I was pregnant with our first. With our second, his first word upon hearing the announcement was “Shit!”. Not what I was expecting, being pregnant and exhausted from caring for our eldest, the house, my grandmother, and taking care of his needs.

August of 2007, my 5 year old, had come to me and informed me that her father had been molesting her. I called the cops, and they sent out investigators and officers. I gathered things and turned them over for evidence. They took her statement. We were told that we had to leave immediately. That if I chose to stay they would take my children from me. I couldn’t fathom WHY they thought I would stay there. Not after what she told me. I’m aware that victims of spousal abuse stay with their abuser for various reasons. But this was at the risk of my daughters. I could not, would not spend another moment in that house. We had nowhere else to go. My daughters and myself packed up what few belongings we could. A backpack each, a pillow, and one toy each for the girls. I called mom, and we went from motel, to my brother’s, then to a homeless shelter. I cried myself to sleep, and often locked myself in the bathroom, so as to not wake nor upset the kids. Night time was the worst. The only things that helped me keep my sanity were my iPod. my faith, my mother, and the faces of those two little girls. Cries of “I’m hungry, Mama.”, “I’m thirsty. I want to go home.”. Everything that we had was gone. Only a few friends, my mother, step-father, sister, brother and his wife knew where we were. I felt more isolated and alone than I had ever felt in my entire life. And most of all, I felt as though it was my fault. I gave him my heart. I trusted him. I gave him everything. And he took it all away in an instant. Including the innocence of his eldest daughter. I often thought it was just a bad nightmare, and I would wake up one morning to realize it wasn’t true. She frequently had nightmares, and was scared to death to have anyone but myself and my mom touch her. Other kids just didn’t understand why she wasn’t chatty and friendly. After many months of counseling, she finally broke free of the fear, and realized that no one is going to hurt her again.

A few months after we arrived at the shelter, my sister had made a deposit on an apartment. She made the deposits on all utilities, as well. She was afraid for us, and didn’t feel we were safe in the shelter. She and my mother sacrificed so much during our transition. They fought not only for us, but for our safety and well being. I owe them everything. And I am forever grateful for them being lovingly placed into my life.

Not long after the move, I began working part time for FITAP. Most people know this as welfare. Where I live, one has to work a certain amount of hours, and adhere to the rules of the program. 25 hours a week, for $240 a month. It wasn’t much, but I was told if I worked hard enough, I could be hired on as an employee. I started in October. By November, they were pushing corporate to hire me. January of 2008, I was hired on full time. It wasn’t an easy task, as I have health issues which made work painful every day. But I struggled on, keeping in mind that there was two girls at home who anxiously awaited my return, and who depended on me. Things were looking up.

He was released from jail less than 2 years later. My father took his side, and he lived on the property, right beside my mom up until about a year ago, when she moved. The land that he’s currently living on was accumulated through the hard work and dedication of my grandparents. My biological father is trying to sell the land, and the house that was my grandparent’s. But I digress…. Everyone acted as though I should lock them both away, and not allow them to play on the porch, or with other kids. I refused to live in fear of him returning. I took precautions where I should have, but I didn’t hole them up so they’d not know how beautiful the world is. Even when monsters roam, there’s always hope to be found.

I tell myself that God would not let us get this far, just to fail. “No weapon forged against me shall prosper.” Just so you can fully understand, I wrote this as a description to how my thoughts are since: http://allpoetry.com/poem/11487336-The-Box-by-maegnas-sting

One day, a few years ago, I had went to the public library. I went and looked through the new CDs, and found the newest Matthew West album. I’d not heard any of the songs yet, so I took it with me to a table, sat down and read the lyrics on the inside jacket. One song peaked my interest immediately. “Broken Girl”. The beginning of the lyrics are these words:

“Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast

Now words like innocence
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past” 

Those verses made tears brim up in my eyes so quickly that I had to struggle vehemently not to release the pain I had bottled up. Then I read the chorus:”This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl”

I lost is when I read these words. I moved to a quiet corner, and felt the flood of emotions hit me all at once. The lyrics felt as though they were written just for us. My daughter doesn’t have to stay a broken girl, for there is a love far greater and far more beautiful than anyone could imagine. The words told me that I didn’t have to stay broken, either. That what happened was not my doing, and that she didn’t hold me at fault. I did what was best in leaving. I did what was best for my children. And no one can ever steal away the love I have for the both of them.

To my mother: You are my ROCK. I owe you more than I can ever begin to repay in this lifetime. I couldn’t have done this without you. If I ever become nearly as amazing as you and Mamaw, my life will be complete. I love you!

To my siblings: Again, I owe you far more than I will ever be able to give. You’ve stood by me, had my back, and listened to my nonsense without fault. I love you both, beyond words.

To my grandparents: Even though you aren’t with me, you always taught me to speak my mind, and be true to myself. Thank you. I miss you still. And love you, always.

Mama loves you both, F and G. To infinity and BEYOND.

P.S. Matthew… If you ever read this, thank you for showing me that we no longer have to be the “Broken Girl”.

My sincerest of apologies for my absence on here as of late. It’s not that I haven’t felt compelled to do so. I have been having technical issues with my laptop, and my phone soon followed. I have not been posting on here due to my lack of patience with this contraption. Instead, I have been keeping myself busy making jewelry. This is so that I can participate with my mom at an upcoming artisan fair. I’m enjoying this new creative outlet thus far. For those of you following, please be patient in my posting. Such may be sporadic and short in length when I find the need to do so. Thank you to all of you who have supported this page thus far. I appreciate you so very much! ❤

One Year

Posted: March 19, 2015 in Uncategorized

If you haven’t read any of Dan’s writing, you’re gonna have a bad time. He puts forth his heart and soul into his work. And he is the inspiration behind my blog, as he refused to back down on his opinions of my writing. ❤

Missing the Muse

It’s been one year

Since you sent me here.

To the place where

I’ve always feared.

How the time went by

Since you made me cry.

I wanted to die

When I learned of your lie.

What you did really sucked

And now I am stuck.

I feel like I’m old and fucked

But I’m rekindling my luck.

I won’t cry for you anymore

Or even call you a fucking whore.

I’m not sorry that I swore

Because loving you was a chore.

So now that you are free

How much better will your life be?

You don’t have to worry about me

I’m just here sipping tea.

Kermit

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Dear Reader, once again a post shared on Facebook grabbed my attention earlier. This post was pertaining to a subject that had been on my mind for some time now, and I have discussed these very same points with others. People have agreed with said opinions, but it is refreshing to see that someone else who has the same opinion as I do, without simply nodding their head in agreement. Often it feels as though opinions are biased and the truth of what people truly think isn’t forthright. (However, if either of you feel so inclined to ever comment on here in regards to what is posted, please feel free. I don’t mind constructive criticism and the like.)

“Random (but useful) advice: People do EXACTLY what they want to do. THE END.
So, if they didn’t call, or come by, or ask you out, or whatever, guess what! It’s because they didn’t want to!!! I know. It’s harsh. It sucks. People suck. But it’s totally true, and it’s a lesson worth learning quickly. When someone wants to do something, they find a way! By any means necessary! They will walk, run, swim, hop, beg, borrow, and steal to make things happen. They’ll become a hustler. They’ll become thoughtful, and creative, and innovative. It’s impressive the amount of effort one will exert in order to get, or do, something they want. Everyone deserves someone who will hustle for their love. Not someone full of excuses.”

I commented on the thread, saying that: “I’ve said such for years. People agree, but their actions speak far louder than any eloquent verbiage ever will. Full on desire is a raging fire that nothing can quench, but that in which the eyes and heart are set on. True love, compassion, empathy, and friendship… Finds a way. Any way possible. Lest it burns itself up in the process and dies, remorseful and bitter. It finds a way. Always.”

When one truly wants something, not simply thinking to themselves, “Oh, that’s nice. I’d like to have that.”, but truly and deeply desires it, nothing can stand in the way of that. Not fear of looking foolish. Not distance that separates. Not social status. Not financial status. Not even time itself can stand in between such. Not if the desire is as true as one claims it to be. One can use eloquence and sincerity, and such does not make it pass the tests that may lie in wait in between such desires. One cannot be impatient, believing in instant gratification, all the while looking for something to last forever. Forever doesn’t work that way. And neither do our lives. When you truly want something, you will endure the tortures of remaining still, until the precise moment when you are able to fulfill the true aspirations of your heart.

When you tell someone that you love them, be sure that you mean such. Elaborate. Tell them why you love them. Is it entertaining to be in their company? Do they make you smile? Do you feel comfortable around them? Do they give you butterflies due to nervousness or happiness? Do they intently listen to your problems, offering advice? Or is said advice simply generic, assisting in nothing?

Make sure that they know well enough about you, and that you know them enough, to say those three words. Not just you, at the surface, but the you that resides deep within. Open up to one another. Speak of things that are personal, thoughtful, things that are uttered in total confidence. If you have the least bit of inkling that they aren’t attentive, at any moment, that is a signal. Do not allow the veil to be pulled over your eyes and believe that with every past positive, that the new negatives that come along will not overshadow them. Often, the negatives linger over the positives… Because people will do exactly what they WANT to. And very little of what they say.

Often in life, the thing that will eat you up inside the most is regret. You regret being nice, apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong, and for making unworthy people a priority in your life. You’ll feel as though you willingly allowed someone into your life who had no intention of pursuing things any further than what they stated. Such will leave you feeling unimportant, belittled, minuscule; like a mouse cowering underfoot. Promises may be made… And often, those are disregarded, tossed aside as though they were never there. When you care for someone more than they deserve, you get hurt more than you deserve. But that doesn’t mean that you are at fault for the travesties that have fallen upon you. Free will is a choice given to all of us.

Even when we are backed into a corner, threatened by the consequences of our own bad choices, we have the means to behave in any way we please. Whether it be true to the characters that we claim to be, or turn away from the “good people” that some of us want to see ourselves as, disregarding others and breaking the trust of those that we claimed to care for so deeply. Honesty, ladies and gentlemen, IS the best policy. Calling yourselves “sparing” another person’s feeling my omitting details, blatantly lying, and such… That is not sparing someone’s feelings. That is simply eviscerating one area on a person, then moving on to another area, and making them bleed out. I would rather feel the sting of the truth than bear the scars of one hundred lies. Trust is something that takes far longer to rebuild. Respect is earned via honesty. Use logic here, and make your own distinctions as to which would be the better choice.

March 13, 2015 4:16 am

So, I saw the following on a page’s post on Facebook. Of course I commented, picking it apart and added my own elaboration on it, since everyone “agreed” with this nonsense.

Never expect. Never assume. Never ask. Never demand. Just let it be. If it’s meant to be, it will happen.

Never expect.”— More than you are willing to give. And not more than what another is willing and able to give in return.
Never assume.” — Converse with one another. As, we all know what assumptions lead to.
Never ask.— Unless you’re partial to that whole ‘Ignorance is bliss.’ scenario.
Never demand.”— Sure, just settle and be miserable, if that fulfills your desires.
Just let it be. If it’s meant to be, it will happen.“— Life isn’t a fairy tale. A knight in shining armor isn’t going to come slay the dragon, and rescue the princess with true love’s kiss. If you care about someone, but allow fear to overcome the desire to tell them…. That is a coward’s way of “letting it be”. Take a chance. Step up. We aren’t guaranteed tomorrow…

Just a short post of my two cents. Nothing more, nothing less. I just don’t understand how so many people can agree with this nonsense as though Plato himself stood in front of them. *sighs* Like lemmings…

March 13, 2015 3:43 am

Weeping Angel
Many women and men in this world have, at one time or another come across someone who is or was in an abusive relationship. Logically, we cannot fathom as to why these individuals stayed with their abusers for as long as they have, or did. But psychologically, it makes some sense as to why these people cling tenaciously to that in which they feel powerless against. After all, they are the ones who have endured the day to day life at the mercy of their abuser. They feel as though no one would completely understand.

Abusers loathe going into details about their lives. The vague replies and explanations they use are simply a means to answer questions. However, said questions are never really answered to a degree that others have a complete understanding, unless such is spun out of the web of pure lies. Through omission, they make themselves out to be the victim in these cases. Manipulation plays a key part in controlling and contorting another human being into believing that they’ll never break free. And in the even they do break free, the memories of their past haunt them.

Few people realize that when you get to know a victim of abuse, some are often standoffish, disbelieving of things that are spoken aloud. Even things of a physical nature, things that can be easily seen by the naked eye are difficult for some of these victims to take in as truth. Abusers often use their actions as a means to lure their victims back into their snares, earning their trust after an abusive incident by doing things that are appeasing to their victims. Such is much like that of a parent who buys the love and affections of their children in lieu of actually parenting. I use this comparison due to how abusers put forth their best efforts into everything but what they should. Abusers spend so much time and put so much effort into covering up and weaving their webs that they remain blatantly oblivious as to what true harm they are inflicting upon their victims. In both instances, whether they are conscious of their poor choices or not, remains to be seen.

Victims of abuse are often afraid to stand up against their abuser. They believe that they know their abuser so much more intimately than the authorities and that nothing can stop the abuser from retaliation. Or they are simply afraid of facing the world alone. Many believe if they leave their abuser, they’ll end up alone, tossed aside like the broken remnants of a once treasured family heirloom.  “No one would really want to delve through all of this sludge within my subconscious… No one will truly understand what I went through… It still hurts. So badly. No one would want to help carry around all of this baggage…”. And in truth… A lot really aren’t cut out for dealing with it. Some haven’t the patience. Some don’t understand how things simply can’t be “normal”. While others persecute the victim, believing that they don’t have to pay for the abuser’s mistakes just because they care for the victim. The latter ones, however: Those are the ones that haven’t enough true compassion to pursue anything with. Nor have they the strength to stand by if and when things get really bad.

The men and women who have endured such know that fairy tales aren’t real. They know that knights in shining armor don’t come to rescue the damsel in distress from the castle. The dragon still lays siege on the princess, it’s talons thrusting too deeply, leaving scars that not even true love’s kiss can heal. The princess believes that she remains unworthy of anyone’s affection due to these disfigurements. And when she finally is free from her stoney confinement, the walls that surrounded her in physical form are still there…. Only, in a metaphorical sense.

Sometimes, someone is able to scale one of those walls. And often, it’s due to victims seeing some glimmer hope in another human being. Sometimes that glimmer stays, and grows into a shimmering and brilliant light. And other times, the glimmer dies… And hope dies with it. THIS is why it is vitally important to always be upfront and honest with one another. Even if it’s at the expense of you causing someone heartbreak. For every action there is a consequence. And for every wall scaled, a higher wall is built…..

March 12, 2015 4:26 am